Friday, May 6, 2011

Raw milk activists defend their right to bone-shattering diarrhea

In what has been called the most vocal food rights movement for decades, thousands of Americans have stood up against what they feel is a tyrannical assault on their rights as consumers to purchase and consume raw milk.

“Look, if I want to get up every morning, walk over to my barn and nestle my head against the teats of a 900 lb mammal sucking until coagulated, sour chunks of fluid come seeping into my mouth, that’s my prerogative and not the state’s,” said Robert Goodman, who has been following the movement for the past few months since first hearing about it through online message boards.

“At first I wasn’t too crazy about the idea, but then I got to thinking, unless I’m dropping a deuce in the neighbor’s kitty pool, I’m well within my right to deal with the consequences of my lust for raw milk and I don’t see why the government should have any part of it.”

The Pepto Bismol corporate division of Proctor and Gamble has recently come out in support of new proposed legislation which would lift the current ban on raw milk. A spokesperson for the company said, “We stand behind the Americans who are working tirelessly in their efforts to stop this encroachment of civil liberties; as with most things in life, we believe the more liberty, the better.”

The spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous, later added, “Plus, think of the fucking profits we’re going to make once this shit catches on- hold on to your fuckin’ balls gentlemen.”

At press time, the head of the Raw Milk Buyers Group could not be reached for comment, having been stuck in the john since late Wednesday evening.

“First it’s raw milk, then they’ll go after other locally grown goods, where will it end?” said Goodman, slamming his fist on his kitchen table. “It’s called liberty, dammit! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go take a shit.”

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Laden Chokes to Death on Pretzel

Osama Bin Laden Chokes to Death on Pretzel

PAKISTAN–After decades of indulging in the salty snacks, Osama Bin Laden has finally met his demise while tearing through a bag of Snyder’s.

“I always told him to take it easy on those,” said Abu Ayyub al-Masri, childhood friend of Bin Laden. “He would just sit in front of the TV putting pretzel after pretzel in his mouth without a care in the world, he loved them.”

Bin Laden reportedly discovered the snacks while on a timeshare vacation in San Francisco in 1973, an experience that enraged him to the point of never wanting to step foot in the city again.

“He was just so upset, the pretzels were a comfort for him,” said Aroob Ressam, a former girlfriend. “While I was living with him, he would constantly start discussing the demise of Western civilization with a mouth full of crumbs.”

She added, wearily, “I didn’t have the heart to tell him how rude and disgusting it was, but I knew in my heart of hearts that it was a disaster waiting to happen.”

Osama’s body was found sprawled out next to his favorite La-Z-Boy recliner, where purportedly spent the bulk of his time.

“I guess I knew it was coming but we weren’t expecting this news anytime soon, so no funeral arrangements have been planned,” said Ayyub al-Masri “ It’s a big shock to all of us, he really seemed like a Fritos kind of guy.”