Raw milk activists defend their right to bone-shattering diarrhea

In what has been called the most vocal food rights movement for decades, thousands of Americans have stood up against what they feel is a tyrannical assault on their rights as consumers to purchase and consume raw milk.

“Look, if I want to get up every morning, walk over to my barn and nestle my head against the teats of a 900 lb mammal sucking until coagulated, sour chunks of fluid come seeping into my mouth, that’s my prerogative and not the state’s,” said Robert Goodman, who has been following the movement for the past few months since first hearing about it through online message boards.

“At first I wasn’t too crazy about the idea, but then I got to thinking, unless I’m dropping a deuce in the neighbor’s kitty pool, I’m well within my right to deal with the consequences of my lust for raw milk and I don’t see why the government should have any part of it.”

The Pepto Bismol corporate division of Proctor and Gamble has recently come out in support of new proposed legislation which would lift the current ban on raw milk. A spokesperson for the company said, “We stand behind the Americans who are working tirelessly in their efforts to stop this encroachment of civil liberties; as with most things in life, we believe the more liberty, the better.”

The spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous, later added, “Plus, think of the fucking profits we’re going to make once this shit catches on- hold on to your fuckin’ balls gentlemen.”

At press time, the head of the Raw Milk Buyers Group could not be reached for comment, having been stuck in the john since late Wednesday evening.

“First it’s raw milk, then they’ll go after other locally grown goods, where will it end?” said Goodman, slamming his fist on his kitchen table. “It’s called liberty, dammit! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go take a shit.”